I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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