I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
