Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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