i love accidental penises.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
