i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
