I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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