The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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