he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
