My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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