I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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