why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
