And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
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you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
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I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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