oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
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Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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