is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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