I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Barsexuality is the new black.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
