awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
