I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
