Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
