She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
