dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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