I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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