she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
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this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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