I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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