The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
