Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
