those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
