Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
