Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
