so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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