last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
