You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
