I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
