I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
