remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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