I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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