Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
