i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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