this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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