In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
