see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
