we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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