I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
