he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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