My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
