There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize