i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
