you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
