There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
