I got chris browned last night
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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