I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
