he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
