the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
