Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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