Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
