He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
