Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
