I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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