so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
