I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
