i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
