So drunk its hurt
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
