I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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